Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
What a dumb baby whore.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
