Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
