you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
