I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
