i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Let's get the cat blown out
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
