this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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