Dude my mom stole all your condoms
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
