I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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