I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
