I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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