this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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