I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
