were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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