I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
