Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
