remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
