I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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