the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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