Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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