can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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