So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
