Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
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I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
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Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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