He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
