Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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