Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
