Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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