I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
