He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
