She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
