I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
