apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
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the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
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I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Couch. On fire.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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