Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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