how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
