Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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