I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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