i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
