What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You took a bar mat shot.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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