I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
