I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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