college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
