He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
