i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
