we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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