Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
