One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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