His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
