wakey wakey hands off snakey
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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