a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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