I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
