so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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