I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
