I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
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if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious