i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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