i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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