I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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